The two years after my father passed have been the two worst years of my life. The pain of losing a dad was so devastatingly painful, soul destroying and it broke my heart completely. I thought I would never feel joy ever again. I thought I would never be whole again. Absolutely nothing made sense. I didn’t know what to do with all that pain because nothing could make it better or make it go away. I wanted it to stop. But it didn’t. Instead it just became worse. And I became angry, very angry and very bitter, that was easier than to deal with what was going on in my life.
Nothing else in my life was working. It seemed as if my dad took all the blessings with him when he died and all that was left were pain, emptiness and hopelessness. I felt such a deep and profound sense of loss that left a gaping hole where my heart was supposed to be. I couldn’t give words to what I was feeling, all I knew was that I was so sad that it seemed nothing could make me feel better.
In spite of this life still goes on. Things still had to be done, normal things like getting up in the morning, cooking food, cleaning, taking care of my family, buying food. These every day mundane things suddenly felt like mountains in front of me and the smallest thing seemed like an enormous effort. My fire, my spark, my love for life was gone, I was depleted and empty. I felt like a shell of the person I used to be.
They say when it rains, it pours. It absolutely did. Everything else just fell apart. Not one area of my life was working. All the wrong decisions I’ve ever taken came back to haunt me during this time. It was a time of intense pain, anger, bitterness and resentment, coupled with a deep sense of regret. I had deep feelings of humiliation and shame for not being able to provide for our children, for not being a better wife, for not doing enough and for the crippling financial situation we were in. I felt like a burden to my husband, a failure as a mother and it seems as if my life has become a big fat nothing. I felt rejected abandoned and completely alone. Instead of talking to my husband I withdrew from him. I became impatient with my children while at the same time feeling intensely guilty for letting them down. I was tense all the time.
My husband proved during that time how amazing and incredible he is. He looked me in the eye one morning and told me this had to stop. He reminded that I’m not alone and it hurt him deeply that I’m pushing him away. He reminded me of his love for me and that all I have to do was to share my pain with him. And in his honest way he told me that I was really not a nice person any more. He said he needed the person he got married because this stranger in front of him was not his wife and he wanted his wife back. He reminded that I’m not the only one who was hurting because he also lost a father. He told me that he and our children need me. And he needs me to lean on him and to share my pain with him. He reminded me how much he loves me and that he’s there to share and to listen. When someone you love so much speak the truth from his heart with so much love, sadness and compassion, you have no choice but to listen. That was my wake up call.
Those words brought me back to life from the brink of insanity. I was not alone. I was still hurting. I was still in pieces but I was not alone. He showed me tremendous love under very difficult circumstances.
I still had days that I felt absolutely terrible. There were days that I thought I would never recover from the loss of my dad. And there were times I thought I’d never be able to make up to my husband and my children for those times I’ve hurt them in my pain.
But life does go on. Little by little the light does come through. The pain does get better and you do learn to live with the loss. And there comes a time when you can think of your loved one with a smile and without aching inside, when you can remember without pain
It’s not easy, it’s a rocky painful road with many ups and downs. You will need a lot of support because it is impossible to make it own your own. Not everyone will understand and at times you’ll think that you are going crazy. Cry your guts out until it feels as if you don’t have any more tears left. And then cry some more. Be honest about how miserable you feel. Admit that you heart is breaking. Don’t pretend that you’re okay when you’re not. Don’t be hard on yourself when you can’t do things that before were so simple and effortless. And know that you will survive this.
One day you’ll wake up and find yourself in the land of the living again. That one day might come soon, or it may take time. That’s okay. Nobody can tell you how it must be for you.
One day you’ll feel a tiny spark of hope, hold onto that. Weeping endures in the night but joy does come in the morning.