Lockdown. At first I didn't want to hear or talk about it. And then slowly I found it creeping into my conversations, and before long it started dominating my conversations until I reached a point where I became depressed and despondent. And I still battle with feelings of hopelessness and a loss of a sense of direction, There are times that I feel wildly optimistic and then suddenly I would just feel this cloud hanging over my head, causing everything inside of me to droop.
One of my best friends recently sent my a message, asking how I'm doing. And I struggled to put into words what I'm feeling and how my days are. And how do I feel? Undertain, overwhelmed, bored, depressed, happy at times. It's such a confusing mix of emotions that I feel in one single day. And I miss things, things that I've taken for granted before, even the things that used to irritate me. But mostly I miss the things I didn't do
I miss our early morning runs, especially the ones I was too lazy to do, I miss having coffee with my friends, especially the ones I thought I could do later. I miss taking my children to the park, regretting the times I could've and didn't go. I miss buying them toys and silly things that now suddenly seem so important. I miss wishing the friends of my children happy birthday with a small gift and giving them hugs. I miss hugging friends when we meet and just talking, without thinking of Covid-19 and lockdown lurking in the back of my mind. I miss feeling alive and full of hope and moving around freely. I just miss the simple things that always were so normal and that I've taken for granted so much because never in a million years did I think life could be like this.
I'm worried about people dying of hunger. I'm worried about children not being able to learn because they don't have access to the internet. I'm worried about parents feeling overwhelmed about having to be teachers, while working from home. I'm worried about the desperation and the fear of people who are facing a life of not knowing where they will get food or money to buy food.
I also have moments of intense anger where I feel pure hatred for all those who are the cause of suffering. And I want to blame someone or something. I get angry for all the losses we are suffering in many different ways, and on many different levels. I get angry at the injustices and the pain, and I get angry at my own powerlessness to do more.
And I feel guilty. Guilty that I'm not doing more to help while people are suffering in ways that I can not imagine, and the do not deserve. I feel guilty that I don't have more to give. I feel guilty that I have a warm bed and food to eat, while so may other people don't have anything. I feel guilty and sad for the millions of children who are going to bed hungry, and who might be robbed of their childhood in so many ways.
I try to hope and to be grateful that we are still surviving. And I want to believe that tomorrow will be better, and we will get through this together. I want to believe that this too shall pass. I want to believe that the world will be better after this . I want to believe that we are better than the hatred and the negativity because so many people are doing so much good right now.
I know I can not do much but I'm hoping I am doing enough to help at least one person. And I hope that I must not for one moment close my eyes to the need of another person because I was too busy feeling sorry for myself.
I just hope for things I can not even define because that hope is filled with a sense of loss for what we had, and a sense of uncertainty for what the future holds.
But I pray. I pray for our children, our families.our country, I pray for peace, healing and recovery. I pray because I believe. I pray because I trust. And for me, it's the only way.